When last did you loose your sight? Or let me put it this way, when was the last time you were blinded by rage?
Take deep breaths and think back to that moment when you were so mad that even your body was shaking and coherent words were difficult to form. That time when all you wanted to do was break something, anything at all without caring that your own body could get hurt in the process?
That moment of adrenaline rush when you forget everything else you’ve always stood for, you ignore all the warning alarms in your head just for that single heated moment. All you see is red.
Now picture this rage that makes you want to destroy whatever was the trigger. Picture this rage turned inwards.
The mad wrath that causes you to destroy yourself from the inside. While many others would lash out, say the words that’s the cause of the anger and confront the parties involved, some others would turn all that fire inside. The rule of “conceal, don’t feel” . But is it truly possible not to feel when you already feel it so deeply that you direct it at yourself?
If this describes you then what I would do first is to congratulate you. All that self control to resist causing harm to those around you, holding back spiteful words, keeping everything away from everyone else in that moment. Not many people can be the super hero you’ve trained yourself to be.
Then secondly, I would find a heavy book and smack you with it.
For trying to kill yourself without even realising it. Or maybe you do realise it but you’ve told yourself that it’s better you than someone else. You’ve agreed that you can handle it, concealed inside.
But for how long? How much more can your body endure? How much longer can you hold up those inner mental walls that these concealed emotions keep chipping at? How much longer before you become a shadow of yourself? When will you finally let it go and forgive yourself for the sins that you probably did not even commit? In your wrath do you remember to have mercy on yourself?
I know how annoying it can be for people around you to keep telling you to forget like you have control over what your brain decides to remember (cue in eye roll) so I will not ask you to forget. Rather I’d say make peace with it, it takes time and effort but you can. Make peace with those memories that pull you deeper into the shadows, turn them into your strength because you went through those dark times for a reason.
Look how strong you’ve become, see how much you’ve endured in secret with your head held high. Your shadow is a part of you but it should never become the whole you. It’s one of the books in your library that will help you beat odds so harness that power. Find your inner peace like Master Shifu (I really love that guy).
I know that fire will not quench from just reading this or what anyone else says, but I believe it will ebb away as you go to war with. It doesn’t matter who started that fire in you and at what age or how long you’ve had it, the only person that can quench it is you. I know you can, I’m begging you to can.
I’ll end this with the words of one of the wisest Kings I know
He that is slow to anger is better than the mighty; and he that ruleth his spirit than he that taketh a city.Proverbs 16:32
You are clearly already slow to outward anger, now all that’s left is for you to rule your spirit. I know you can, I really hope you do💖.