I have no preamble for this, I just hope it speaks to you somehow. I hope her story gets you and I thinking. Here goes 🙂
The search for love. Longing for acceptance; from families, friends, societies.
Why do they not understand me? Why do they not understand that ‘me’ comes with all my flaws? Well if they cannot take me as I am, it’s their loss. I cannot change, it’s who I am…..
That’s what I used to think
But now, now I look back and I see that the old me needs a smack. I was a fool, a jester, a clown, an idiot, you name it. I look back at the friends I told off because they complained that my ego was puffed.
Martha presided over the matter. I called her a dirty paper but her confidence did not falter.
Lois said I always raised my voice. I screamed into her ear to let her know that it was not by choice. It’s just my voice. It’s a nuisance to people, almost deafening but I will not tone it down. It’s my voice right? I cannot change, it’s not a choice. It’s who I am.
Delilah called me a liar. I threatened her with my pliers. Why couldn’t she understand that it’s just the way I am? I cannot change, this is who I am.
Hannah said I had no manners. I hissed and burped in her face. Then I added a fart and a sneeze. She ran away like the breeze. Well good riddance because I cannot change, it’s just who I am.
Damian called me a loose woman. I nodded and offered him tea in my bedroom. He ran away after yelling doom! I shrugged, that’s his loss. This is not a choice, I cannot change who I am.
My parents won’t talk to me. They called me rude and disrespectful. I smiled and called them both fools. This is who I am
Everyone left me. No friends or family. All because I refused to change. Why don’t they understand that I cannot change? It’s not my choice, it’s just who I am
Sitting in a corner, i hugged my knees as my tears poured out. I felt so alone, no one to call my own. My chest felt tight, my head hurt, my eyes hurt, my whole life hurt. It was right then, in the sea of my self pity, that I heard that voice for the first time, the voice I would later learn to love.
“Alteration, a remarkable change. Come” the voice was calm and welcoming, like it was calling out to a lover. But I was headstrong, I cannot change, I just can’t. It’s who I am, I have no other choice. I am me.
I heard a soft chuckle but I could not see the owner of the voice. ” you have a choice and you know it, you’re just too afraid to take the leap. You can be so much more”
I covered my ears with both my hands desperate to shut the voice out. “I can help you, just let me in…”. Squeezing my eyes shut I yelled, ” No! get out of my head!”. “I know who you are and who you can be. I see everything and I know what is in your heart“
“You don’t know anything! You don’t know me! Just leave me alone” I screamed at the unseen being desperate to end this unusual conversation.
“What if I told you that I can help you start over? I can restore everything you have lost. All you have to do is let me in“. the sweet voice was so patient, speaking softly like I was a five year old that could easily be scared away.
With my eyes still shut firmly, I asked shakily “W…who are y..y..you?”
“Open your eyes and I’ll show you” reluctantly, I obeyed. I shut them back almost immediately as the bright light stung my eye. It was not this bright before….
I opened them again, slowly this time to give my eyes time to adapt. Yet all I could see was my room and how bright it had become. Then something happened that changed my life forever. A hand flashed before my very own eyes. It was for a brief moment but it was enough for me to see the hole in the palm.
“It cannot be” I repeated to myself over and over. “But it is” He said. “I Am and I can but only if you will”
And i willed.
It has been a journey ever since. We have been together for so long but still He never ceases to amaze me. I look forward to what He would say or do next. When things are inside out and I find myself struggling while in tears, I hold on to his hand. This is the best relationship anyone could ever have. It’s exciting and full of adventure. I feel like I can take on the world and its just been a few months. I’m talking about a relationship with Jesus.